Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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