you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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