I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
