if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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