I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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