She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
