i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
