Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
