I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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