Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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