she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
