Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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