You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
