We won't sleep together?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
