If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
