If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we're making bets on your personal life
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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