i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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