The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
