if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
wow bdsm is so cute
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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