I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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