I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
