I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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