Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
