I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
