a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
