If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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