Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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