I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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