Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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