Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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