dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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