I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
