I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
