Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize