is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
