I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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