i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
