I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
