i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
