Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
