I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
