I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Everclear isn't food dammit
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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