Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
