Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Are my feet made of real feet?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
