god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
