My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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