I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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