Apparently you make a good broom.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
