If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
