If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have feelings that need drinking.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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