I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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