On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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