The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
All the doctor said was why
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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