If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
