it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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