I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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