my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
