I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
