My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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