i was born a porn star she said
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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