Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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