Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
