3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
