DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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