Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Randomize
