Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
